“Jesus Christ has bestowed me with many gifts… and
one of them is knocking people the f** out"
I have to say I was really looking forward to this as
I sat down with my partner in crime Mike "Air" as the main cast was
shaping up to be a good one with Mark Walberg and Dwayne "The Rock"
Johnson being in some decent films as of late. Then I saw that the director was
the same man that killed my childhood Micheal Bay grrrrrr!!
I am a professional after all so I gave my time this
film as I would with any other films I have watched. So did Michael Bay manage
to kill the careers of the aforementioned actors like he did with Optimus Prime
and chums? Or has he finally managed to direct a semi decent film? Read on my
friends and find out more....
Plot
Based on the true story of Daniel Lugo (Mark
Wahlberg) a Miami bodybuilder who wants to live the American dream. He would
like to have the money that other people have. So he enlists the help of fellow
bodybuilder Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and ex-convict, Christian
bodybuilder Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson). Their kidnapping and extortion scheme
goes terribly wrong since they have muscles for brains and they're left to
haphazardly try to hold onto the elusive American dream.
Review
It's very easy to ridicule Michael Bay's
movies... and also great fun. Despite attempting to witness his latest
endeavour Pain & Gain with an open mind, it was only a matter of time
before a coping strategy was instigated to ensure some modicum of sanity was
preserved throughout this painfully (not gainfully) overlong and execrable
affair. More on that later...
Based on a true story, a fact which is
shoehorned into viewers' minds with "THIS IS A TRUE STORY" captions
intermittently flashing up during seemingly contrived sequences, Pain &
Gain follows three pumped up bodybuilders as they embark on an evil and greedy
quest involving kidnap, extortion and murder.
There's Mark Wahlberg's gym instructor Daniel,
the ringleader who often adopts a saucer-eyed expression of derangement; Dwayne
'The Rock' Johnson's Paul, a Jesus-loving bodybuilder who likes to snort
cocaine off the skinny derrières of strippers; and Anthony Mackie's trainer
Adrian, who has rendered himself impotent through steroid use. They join forces
in a bid to nab all of Tony Shalhoub's shady businessman Victor's money - only
to have Ed Harris's retired investigator on their trail.
One would hope that the factual basis of the
narrative would ensure that the makers steered clear of a hysterically
sensationalised approach, or if not, at least the adoption of a satirical
slant. But any shred of credence or intelligence is quashed by a plethora of
one-dimensional ciphers masquerading as real-life people. This was Michael
Bay's chance to show some storytelling prowess away from the mega-budget
terrain and twisted metal of the Transformers franchise, but the same problems
have materialised courtesy of a crass script that targets the lowest common
denominator.
The representation of the central trio seeks
to position them as more sympathetic than psychotic, with their despicable
deeds played for laughs and their malevolent motivations attributed to a flawed
interpretation of the American Dream. It's fair to say that Arthur Miller's
Death of a Salesman is never challenged in that thematic respect. Not that
mainstream, multiplex entertainment needs to have such weighty aspirations. It
should just steer away from being insulting and patronising on so many levels,
epitomised by the presentation of a dangerous brand of masculinity - all
rippling biceps, quickfire wisecracks and callous dislike of the unlike - as
being iconic and desirable.
That's why the aforementioned 'coping
strategy' was spontaneously adopted during the film. This movie is one long orgy of women who are either pouting,
flesh-baring sluts or morbidly obese figures of mockery with terrible personal
hygiene. A movie where rampant homophobia is deemed funny and laddish,
and where crude racial stereotyping is acceptable. Of course this is All presented with plenty
of Michael Bay Slo-Mo just to prolong the agony and make us loathe the
aesthetic as much as the script. If I had realised that this was Micheal Bay directed
I may never have seen it, and honestly I wish I hadn't!
Verdict
Pain and Gain is awful beyond imagining. Awful
beyond dictionary definitions of awfulness. Scenes of violence and torture are
directed as if violence and torture were audio-visual rock ’n’ roll. The story
structure sways like
a drunken elephant. The permutating voiceover narrations resemble an idiot’s
Citizen Kane. Mark Wahlberg, looking overweight, and Dwayne Johnson, looking
dazed, search vainly for that seam of gold that lies somewhere between comedy
and tragedy. It is a search that has defeated better actors and much better
films.
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